GEMS Girls' Clubs - Teaching Values

Teaching Values | Archives

Dealing with Bad Attitudes

Not all bad attitudes are the same. Some kids complain, some are haughty, some act victimized. Targeting the different kinds of bad attitudes that pop up in your kids will help you work through their approach with them.

It’s important to understand that all attitudes have three components: acting, feeling, and thinking. To help your children truly change bad attitudes to good, you need to identify and work with each of these elements.

While actions are an indication of a bad attitude, and help determine what things need to change, parents should do more than simply tell their child to “stop” a given behavior. When you hone in on the feelings behind the attitude, and the thought-process that led your child to act a certain way, you can do much more than simply say no. You will be able to help your child recognize the problem and develop a more appropriate response in the future.

Contentment

In a society that constantly tells us we need bigger, faster, and better, finding contentment can be a struggle for all of us. Teaching kids to be content, then, is a challenge, but an important one to tackle.

The first key is modeling contentment to your kids. If you're not content with life's circumstances, they will quickly pick up these cues and follow your lead. Another important value to instill is the difference between a want, a desire, and a demand. Helping your child understand the degrees of strength implied in each of these aspirations is a good starting place when teaching contentment. When children can distinguish the difference, you will be able to point out the difference and correct their tone and attitude when demands are made.

Dealing with Fighting

At some point, siblings will likely partake in some form of bickering or fighting. How you handle these situations has the potential to speak volumes to your children about dealing with conflict.

Some parents simply separate their kids if they are unable to work things out on their own. And, while this may solve the immediate conflict, it is unlikely to spark lasting change. To truly help your children understand an appropriate way to talk to and interact with others, offer guidance when you overhear bickering.

When your children are fighting, call one of them out of the room and discuss how to confront, ignore, and/or talk about problems. Talk to them about what it means to be a peacemaker. Give some specific ideas for dealing with the current issue, then send them back in to try it again. If necessary, do the same with the other child/children involved. Talking to your children separately will help them focus on what you are saying and prevent them from corporately ignoring your promptings.

Consequences

Focusing on a child’s positive behavior is important, but when unacceptable actions arise it is essential to bestow appropriate consequences. Consequences help children distinguish what kind of behavior is allowed from that which is unacceptable.

When a child is misbehaving, it is easy to want to react impulsively in response to the behavior. It will be helpful to think through the kinds of consequences you will use ahead of time, and always keep in mind that the main objective with a consequence is to help your child understand what she did wrong and change her heart so as to not repeat the action in the future. It is also important to note that different consequences work more effectively with different children, and you need to know what works for your child.

There is no need to be mean or harsh; rather, you need to explain the consequence to the child in terms that he will understand. In addition, consequences need to be given as soon as possible so that children can connect the behavior with the result.

Dealing with Conflict

At some point, siblings will likely partake in some form of bickering or fighting. How you handle these situations has the potential to speak volumes to your children about dealing with conflict.

Also, realize that it is important that you listen to your child’s interactions to pinpoint the qualities that need work.

A Broken Record

Change takes time. It’s easy to say, but as a parent it’s not always easy to internalize this truth. Often, after disciplining a child for an action or behavior, parents want instant results. Instead, they end up feeling like a broken record, repeating the same requests over and over again.

Whether they appear to be listening or not, children do internalize the things their parents say to them. If you are harsh and critical of actions and behaviors, children will internalize the criticisms you offer.

Instead, choose to repeat instructions and observations in a positive way: “Was that respectful thing to say?” “We need to treat each other with kindness.” Repeat phrases like this as often as necessary, helping your children internalize these truths in a way that is positive.

Family Devotions

As summer winds down and kids head back to school, most families will (intentionally or not) find themselves with a more routine schedule. No matter how busy you might be with other events and activities, make sure family devotions are an integral part of that routine!

As a family, choose a time and a location (while it’s still nice out, you might want to consider meeting outside!) that works for everyone to meet each week. Then, make this time a priority!

Find a devotional study that is appropriate for children (check this one out if you need ideas). Make sure to use plenty of age-appropriate object lessons that will engage kids. Share stories from your own life that relate to whatever Biblical truth you are discussing, and let your kids share, too. For this time to truly be meaningful, your children need to take an active part.

And, have fun! Use this time to help train your children in the ways of Christ and to grow together as a family.

If-Then

While “if-then” statements are great for math equations and programming languages, they are not an ideal parenting tool. It may seem like a good idea to tell your child, “If you finish your chores, then you can go to the park.” Or, “If you behave at school, then you can watch TV.” But the reality is these statements can foster an expectant attitude in children. They may begin to assume that appropriate behavior is simply a means to an end.

Make sure you remember to focus on nurturing the root attitudes in your children that will lead to Christ-like actions. Openly share your values and reasons for the rules, requests, and obligations you give your kids. This takes more time, conversation, and cooperation, but the long-term changes it will promote will be well worth it!

Everyone's Doing It

From a young age children will often try to manipulate a situation in order to get their parents to agree to a request. When children use the “but everyone else is doing it” defense, parents can be tempted to give in. There are few things that are beneficial to remember in these situations.

First, it’s not true. Chances are not everyone else is doing it, and even if it may appear that way to your child, you simply need to explain to her that it is an inaccurate statement. You should also acknowledge that manipulative nature of the claim. Your child is trying to get something, something you have initially said no to. Giving in to manipulation will lead your child to believe she can do the same thing in the future and get away with it.

Finally, even if you try to shield them from it, children are likely being influenced by culture. What is and is not popular in culture should not affect how you determine the rules and values of your home. Use this as an opportunity to explain to your kids how you came up with your rules and values and why they are going to stay in place.

Battling Spring Break Boredom

Before you kids can start complaining about spring break boredom, set a family goal to start a garden. Whether you have space to till a plot in your yard or you only have room for a few planter boxes on the balcony of your apartment, planting a garden is a great way to connect with your kids.

You can readily instill a sense of pride and ownership in your children by giving them simple responsibilities like watering and weeding around the plants. Also, kids will gain a sense of accomplishment when the flowers and/or vegetables begin to grow! You can also use this experience as a way to talk to your kids about the environment, sustainability, or healthy eating habits as you use the things that you grow to cook meals together as a family.