Teaching Values | Archives
Wise Workers
In many of our Theme materials this month we are focusing on what it means to be a wise worker. Teaching your children the value of working hard and doing their best is an important part of character development and living a godly life.
Start by modeling. Whatever you’re doing, be cheerful—be diligent! It is also helpful to have a system. As a family, decide what chores and jobs need to be done, and then decide who will be responsible for each. Having clear expectations will help everyone do their work well. And make it fun! Just because you’re doing work doesn’t mean you have to be miserable. Find ways to spruce up jobs so your kids associate positive feelings with their work.
You can also read Proverbs as a family and help your children understand God’s expectations about work and the joys of being a wise worker!
I believe in you
Right now, it might be difficult envisioning your kids all grown up and functioning as independent adults, but it’s an inevitable reality. An important part of preparing them for the future is honoring them today by letting them know you believe in them.
Be intentional about pointing out the character traits you see in your kids that you feel will serve them well in adulthood. Let them know how God has blessed them with these qualities, and specifically state how you see them benefiting them down the road. When kids are affirmed in this way, they will often live up to those traits you identified now. They will more readily see those things within themsevels when you point them out!
If-Then
While “if-then” statements are great for math equations and programming languages, they are not an ideal parenting tool. It may seem like a good idea to tell your child, “If you finish your chores, then you can go to the park.” Or, “If you behave at school, then you can watch TV.” But the reality is these statements can foster an expectant attitude in children. They may begin to assume that appropriate behavior is simply a means to an end.
Make sure you remember to focus on nurturing the root attitudes in your children that will lead to Christ-like actions. Openly share your values and reasons for the rules, requests, and obligations you give your kids. This takes more time, conversation, and cooperation, but the long-term changes it will promote will be well worth it!
Everyone's Doing It
From a young age children will often try to manipulate a situation in order to get their parents to agree to a request. When children use the “but everyone else is doing it” defense, parents can be tempted to give in. There are few things that are beneficial to remember in these situations.
First, it’s not true. Chances are not everyone else is doing it, and even if it may appear that way to your child, you simply need to explain to her that it is an inaccurate statement. You should also acknowledge that manipulative nature of the claim. Your child is trying to get something, something you have initially said no to. Giving in to manipulation will lead your child to believe she can do the same thing in the future and get away with it.
Finally, even if you try to shield them from it, children are likely being influenced by culture. What is and is not popular in culture should not affect how you determine the rules and values of your home. Use this as an opportunity to explain to your kids how you came up with your rules and values and why they are going to stay in place.
Battling Spring Break Boredom
Before you kids can start complaining about spring break boredom, set a family goal to start a garden. Whether you have space to till a plot in your yard or you only have room for a few planter boxes on the balcony of your apartment, planting a garden is a great way to connect with your kids.
You can readily instill a sense of pride and ownership in your children by giving them simple responsibilities like watering and weeding around the plants. Also, kids will gain a sense of accomplishment when the flowers and/or vegetables begin to grow! You can also use this experience as a way to talk to your kids about the environment, sustainability, or healthy eating habits as you use the things that you grow to cook meals together as a family.
Let them decide
A lot of parents probably feel like they take time to enjoy their children – but whose terms are you enjoying them on? Often, parents will naturally drive conversations, determine activities, and pick outing options. And, while your children might fully engage and enjoy these talks and times – you’re still loving them ways that reflect your needs and interests instead of theirs.
Give each of your children an hour of your time and tell them you’ll do whatever it is they want to do. Let them teach you a new game, go somewhere they choose, or even let them pick the radio station in the car. You’ll likely learn something new about your kids, and it’s a great way to honor them and show them how important they are to you and the family as a whole.
Start a tradition
Do you ever feel like a shuttle service running from one activity to the next with your kids? Our busy schedules aren’t doing our families any favors, and it’s important to consistently stop and connect.
One way to accomplish this is through initiating family traditions. Rituals not only make family life predictable (which helps kids feel secure), but they give families a chance to connect, foster a sense of belonging and identity in kids, and teach children what the family as a whole truly values.
Big traditions that revolve around holidays are a great place to start. Annual caroling at the local nursing home or a “We’re Thankful” tablecloth at Thanksgiving where every member of the family can write their praises will give your kids another reason to look forward to these special times of year.
But, the little things can also have a big impact. So, start a weekly game night. Decide to take a nature walk every Saturday. Forgo a big meal and have popcorn for dinner every Sunday. Make story-time an expected part of your bedtime routine.
Manage your reactions
Anyone can point out mistakes, but how wise are you in dealing with your children when they misbehave? As a parent or counselor it is important to be in control of your emotional response to your kids.
Your anger may be justified, but when you project those emotions onto your child (“You made me angry”) you are failing to take responsibility for your reactions and are potentially making the situation worse. You, then, are not only expecting your child to bear the burden of her wrong action, but also the burden of your response.
Make sure you choose to respond in a way that will bring lasting change in your child’s character and not just immediate gratification for yourself. Even if your anger is warranted, responding in anger likely won’t foster meaningful growth in your child.A Broken Record
Change takes time. It’s easy to say, but as a parent it’s not always easy to internalize this truth. Often, after disciplining a child for an action or behavior, parents want instant results. Instead, they end up feeling like a broken record, repeating the same requests over and over again.
Whether they appear to be listening or not, children do internalize the things their parents say to them. If you are harsh and critical of actions and behaviors, children will internalize the criticisms you offer.
Instead, choose to repeat instructions and observations in a positive way: “Was that respectful thing to say?” “We need to treat each other with kindness.” Repeat phrases like this as often as necessary, helping your children internalize these truths in a way that is positive.
Responsiveness comes with relationships
Would you ever consider yelling across the room if one of your coworkers was doing something she shouldn’t? Probably not, seeing as it wouldn’t be showing much respect or any concern for relationship. Communicating with your kids in a respectable, relational manner is equally important.
So, instead of calling across the room the next time you need to interject in your child’s words or actions, make a point to withhold immediate instruction in favor of more direct dialogue. Get close to your child. This will typically involve change from both the parent and the child, making effective communication more probable. Part of this will require teaching your kids they need to respond and come when you ask for their attention.
Establishing this connection is a way to show your kids you value them and their relationship – even if they are doing something they shouldn’t be. These nonverbal cues will likely increase responsiveness and foster a more cooperative attitude from your child.
If it's broken, fix it
Teaching kids about honor means focusing on traits including honesty, integrity, and fairness. Another important component of honor, though, is doing more than what we are expected to do. For kids that might mean taking out the garbage even if it’s not their turn, picking up someone else’s toys, turning off a light they didn’t turn on, or putting away the laundry without being asked.
Be intentional about teaching children the benefits of doing things without being asked. Start by asking kids to look for one job that needs to be done around the house each day. Once they have completed the task, have them report back to you.
This helps kids understand that they play an important role and contribute to family life, not to mention preparing them to be honorable adults.
Dealing with Bad Attitudes
Not all bad attitudes are the same. Some kids complain, some are haughty, some act victimized. Targeting the different kinds of bad attitudes that pop up in your kids will help you work through their approach with them.
It’s important to understand that all attitudes have three components: acting, feeling, and thinking. To help your children truly change bad attitudes to good, you need to identify and work with each of these elements.
While actions are an indication of a bad attitude, and help determine what things need to change, parents should do more than simply tell their child to “stop” a given behavior. When you hone in on the feelings behind the attitude, and the thought-process that led your child to act a certain way, you can do much more than simply say no. You will be able to help your child recognize the problem and develop a more appropriate response in the future.
Contentment
In a society that constantly tells us we need bigger, faster, and better, finding contentment can be a struggle for all of us. Teaching kids to be content, then, is a challenge, but an important one to tackle.
The first key is modeling contentment to your kids. If you're not content with life's circumstances, they will quickly pick up these cues and follow your lead. Another important value to instill is the difference between a want, a desire, and a demand. Helping your child understand the degrees of strength implied in each of these aspirations is a good starting place when teaching contentment. When children can distinguish the difference, you will be able to point out the difference and correct their tone and attitude when demands are made.
Dealing with Fighting
At some point, siblings will likely partake in some form of bickering or fighting. How you handle these situations has the potential to speak volumes to your children about dealing with conflict.
Some parents simply separate their kids if they are unable to work things out on their own. And, while this may solve the immediate conflict, it is unlikely to spark lasting change. To truly help your children understand an appropriate way to talk to and interact with others, offer guidance when you overhear bickering.
When your children are fighting, call one of them out of the room and discuss how to confront, ignore, and/or talk about problems. Talk to them about what it means to be a peacemaker. Give some specific ideas for dealing with the current issue, then send them back in to try it again. If necessary, do the same with the other child/children involved. Talking to your children separately will help them focus on what you are saying and prevent them from corporately ignoring your promptings.
Consequences
Focusing on a child’s positive behavior is important, but when unacceptable actions arise it is essential to bestow appropriate consequences. Consequences help children distinguish what kind of behavior is allowed from that which is unacceptable.
When a child is misbehaving, it is easy to want to react impulsively in response to the behavior. It will be helpful to think through the kinds of consequences you will use ahead of time, and always keep in mind that the main objective with a consequence is to help your child understand what she did wrong and change her heart so as to not repeat the action in the future. It is also important to note that different consequences work more effectively with different children, and you need to know what works for your child.
There is no need to be mean or harsh; rather, you need to explain the consequence to the child in terms that he will understand. In addition, consequences need to be given as soon as possible so that children can connect the behavior with the result.
Dealing with Conflict
At some point, siblings will likely partake in some form of bickering or fighting. How you handle these situations has the potential to speak volumes to your children about dealing with conflict.
Some parents simply separate their kids if they are unable to work things out on their own. And, while this may solve the immediate conflict, it is unlikely to spark lasting change. To truly help your children understand an appropriate way to talk to and interact with others, offer guidance when you overhear bickering.
When your children are fighting, call one of them out of the room and discuss how to confront, ignore, and/or talk about problems. Talk to them about what it means to be a peacemaker. Give some specific ideas for dealing with the current issue, then send them back in to try it again. If necessary, do the same with the other child/children involved. Talking to your children separately will help them focus on what you are saying and prevent them from corporately ignoring your promptings.
Also, realize that it is important that you listen to your child’s interactions to pinpoint the qualities that need work.
Family Devotions
As summer winds down and kids head back to school, most families will (intentionally or not) find themselves with a more routine schedule. No matter how busy you might be with other events and activities, make sure family devotions are an integral part of that routine!
As a family, choose a time and a location (while it’s still nice out, you might want to consider meeting outside!) that works for everyone to meet each week. Then, make this time a priority!
Find a devotional study that is appropriate for children (check this one out if you need ideas). Make sure to use plenty of age-appropriate object lessons that will engage kids. Share stories from your own life that relate to whatever Biblical truth you are discussing, and let your kids share, too. For this time to truly be meaningful, your children need to take an active part.
And, have fun! Use this time to help train your children in the ways of Christ and to grow together as a family.
